Alright it is straight-up unfair if I don’t share this recipe with you because this is one of my top-3 favorite foods ever and it’s actually pretty healthy and I’ve been eating it since I was 6 and it is so so so easy to make.
Katie’s Mom’s Lazy-Ass Beef and Veggie Stew
First, you buy a 1-2lb thing of “stew meat” from your dedicated local grocer. Give him a smile on your way out, you polite fuck. Cut it into smaller pieces if it’s in huge chunks. Cut the fat off if you want. Fry it all up real good. Maybe add some flour and salt and pepper if you like. Whatever, it’s your life.
Is that shit done? Is it all brown like beefy hot cocoa? Alright, dump it in the crock pot. You’re doing good so far. Believe in yourself. Believe in all your dreams. Except the dumb ones.
Now, I hope you got your can opener ready because you’re opening a lot of motherfucking cans. The only necessary one is a can of tomato sauce. Pour it up in there. Then, it’s a goddamn free-for-all. Our family’s cans of choice are: Rotel, drained (highly recommended), creamed corn, not drained (also highly recommended to thicken the broth a bit), regular corn (drained), English peas (not Scottish, but drained), diced potatoes (drained), green beans (drained), lima beans (God’s beans I call ‘em, drained), and whatever else you want. My mom sometimes sticks in some Veg-All because that shit has, like, all the veg.
"Oh, now comes the hard part," you say. "The cooking!" WRONG, DUMBASS. You literally put the lid on the crockpot with your tiny stupid weak arms and you put it on "low" and you go do something with your life FOR ONCE for about 8 hours. You could also put it on high for like 4 hours if you’re a greedy asshole, but you’ll need to stir it sometimes.
The beauty of this soup? You can’t cook it too long (even I, Official Idiot, have only managed to fuck it up once in the dozens of times I’ve made it, and that was when I left the crock pot on overnight because I wanted it for breakfast). The longer it stays on low in the crockpot, the more all the flavors mix together and the beef gets tender and delicious and you’re just orgasming, orgasming all over your kitchen, what is wrong with you please stop.
"Wah, wah, I want something to eat WITH my stew," you say. CALM DOWN. Make some cornbread. The good kind that involves a big gob of lard. It’s okay, you’re eating vegetables tonight, it all evens out.
It also reheats insanely well, so either pop that shit in the microwave the next day or Hell, put it back in the crock pot, pour some more cans of stuff on it, and let it go again. You’re unstoppable. You’ve created an endless food machine. You monster.